Saturday clockwatch

Preamble Hello. For the second successive Saturday we have only three 3pm kick offs in the Premier League. It's an indefensible disgrace, which should but won't shame those whose unashamed avarice has caused this situation. As names go, 'the beautiful game' is now about as apt as Tim Lovejoy, the Champions League and Louise Mensch.The plus side of such an anorexic Premier League fixture list is that is allows me to demonstrate my knowledge of rugby union and rugby league; the down side is that I have no knowledge of rugby union and rugby league. But I will at least attempt to update you on the two 1430 kick-offs: Ireland v England (rugby league World Cup warm-up) and Wigan v Leeds (rugby union Challenge Cup final).The three Premier League games are:Blackburn v EvertonChelsea v NorwichSwansea v SunderlandAbsurd as it is to report so early in the season, four of those six sides will be the recipient of pelters from fans and media if they lose today. The exceptions are the newly promoted sides, Swansea and Norwich. It's not fair, not remotely but that's the game these days.1.46pm Some rugby union team news cut and pasted lovelessly from the news wires:England number eight Nick Easter failed a fitness test on his tight calf shortly before today's World Cup warm-up clash with Ireland.Easter was replaced in the starting line-up by Hendre Fourie, who is not a member of Martin Johnson's 30-man squad for the New Zealand tournament, with James Haskell switching to No8 to accommodate the Sale openside.England fielded a new-look centre partnership of Alesana Tuilagi and Mike Tindall at Aviva Stadium, with Jonny Wilkinson featuring at fly-half.Brian O'Driscoll was missing for Ireland after sustaining a 'stinger' injury to his shoulder, while flanker Sean O'Brien sat out the match because of a knee problem. 1.54pm According to our French snout, Tresor, the South Korean captain and striker Park Chu-Young is about to join Arsenal from Monaco.1.58pm It has finished Aston Villa 0-0 Wolves, so Wolves go back to the top of the Premier League for whatever that's worth (clue: the square root of eff all). Meanwhile, Franco Di Santo has just made it Wigan 2-0 QPR. I had no idea that game was even going on until Iain Dowie starting shouting in my lughole. Pulitzer please!2.13pm The teams for Zimbabwe v Kenya in the World Cup warm-up in Dublin.Ireland Murphy, Bowe, Earls, D'Arcy, Trimble, O'Gara, Reddan, Healy, Flannery, Ross, O'Callaghan, O'Connell, Ferris, D. Wallace, Heaslip.Replacements: Best, Court, Ryan, Leamy, Murray, ######ton, McFadden.England Foden, Ashton, Tuilagi, Tindall, Cueto, Wilkinson, Wigglesworth, Sheridan, Thompson, Cole, Lawes, Croft, Fourie, Haskell, Hartley.Replacements: Stevens, Shaw, Palmer, Simpson, Flood, Armitage.Referee Nigel Owens (Wales)2.14pm Some Challenge Cup final team news from the wires.Leeds gambled on the fitness of Kallum Watkins as they sought to end their losing sequence in Challenge <a href="http://www.salehandbagsbags.com"><strong> Chanel handbags</strong></a> Cup finals in today's clash with Wigan at a sun-kissed Wembley.The 20-year-old centre had been a major doubt after twisting his knee against Harlequins a week ago but was named in the Rhinos' starting line-up.Leeds, runners-up four times since lifting the Cup at the old Wembley in 1999, left out Lee Smith and Ali Lauitiiti from their 19-man squad while Wigan opted for Liam Farrell on the bench ahead of Gareth Hock.The Warriors, who won the Cup in Edinburgh in 2002, are back at Wembley for the first time since their shock defeat by Sheffield Eagles in 1998 and were once more hot favourites after going into the game on the back of an 11-match winning run.2.18pm On a serious note – because sometimes the laughter has to stop – football is in a right state. It's a disgrace. But it might not be too late to save it. So if you could suggest one idea to save football, what would it be? It can be anything you like: an unseeded knockout in the European Cup, all players to wear scented gold hotpants, a salary cap, whatever.Blackburn v Everton team newsBlackburn: Robinson, Salgado, Samba, Givet, Olsson, Emerton, Nzonzi, Dunn, Pedersen, Hoilett, Roberts.Subs: Bunn, Formica, Petrovic, Rochina, Goodwillie, Hanley, Lowe.Everton: Howard, Neville, Jagielka, Distin, Baines, Osman, Heitinga, Arteta, Barkley, Fellaini, Anichebe.Subs: Mucha, Hibbert, Bilyaletdinov, Beckford, Cahill, Vellios, Baxter.Referee Lee Mason (Lancashire)2.24pm Wigan have beaten QPR 2-0, an excellent win for them that in their battle to stay up on the final day.Chelsea v Norwich team newsChelsea: Hilario, Bosingwa, Ivanovic, Terry, Cole, Ramires, Mikel, Lampard, Drogba, Torres, Malouda.Subs: Turnbull, Mata, Lukaku, Ferreira, McEachran, Alex, Anelka.Norwich: Ruddy, Barnett, De Laet, Whitbread, Naughton, Hoolahan, Bradley Johnson, Crofts, Tierney, Holt, Chris Martin.Subs: Rudd, Russell Martin, Morison, Jackson, Pilkington, Fox, Bennett.Referee Mike Jones (Cheshire)Swansea v Sunderland team newsSwansea: Vorm, Williams, Taylor, Caulker, Rangel, Britton, Sinclair, Dyer, Routledge, Graham, Agustien.Subs: Moreira, Tate, Dobbie, Lita, Moore, Allen, Gower.Sunderland: Mignolet, Bardsley, Brown, O'Shea, Ferdinand, Cattermole, Larsson, Gardner, Colback, Gyan, Sessegnon.Subs: Westwood, Wickham, Richardson, Vaughan, Ji, Bramble, Elmohamady.Referee: Mark Halsey (Lancashire)2.42pm Manu Tuilagi swerves decisively through the Ireland defence to score an early try for England in Dublin, and Jonny Wilkinson extends that lead with an expert conversion. Ireland 0-7 England.2.44pm There's a Super Over in the Twenty20 semi-final between Lancashire and Leicestershire. Lancashire have made 13 in theirs, and now Gary Keedy is going to bowl.2.46pm Will Jefferson has belted the first two balls of the Super Over for four, and Leicestershire are on the brink of the final. They are 9-0 after three balls, needing 14 to win.2.46pm Will Jefferson slog-sweeps Gary Keedy into the crowd, and Leicestershire have beaten Lancashire. They will play in tonight's final, which we'll be OBOing, and Paul Nixon – who will retire after today – runs onto the field to celebrate. Great stuff.2.48pm Ireland have scored a penalty in Dublin, which means it's Ireland 3-7 England. It's also Leeds 0-4 Wigan in the Challenge Cup final. I'd love to give you more detail, but I'm trying to watch eight different screens at the same time and I'm only just sure what my own name is, never mind anything else.2.50pm "One change to save football?" says Gary Naylor. "Listen to Michel Platini. Anyone who unites so many in English football against him must be doing something right."2.51pm Ronan O'Gara scored the Ireland penalty, but Jonny Wilkinson has since made it Ireland 3-10 England.2.54pm "Perhaps players can wear scented gold hotpants and a salary cap," says Ian Copestake.2.58pm My eyes hurt. The scores haven't changed in the two rugby matches. It's Ireland 3-10 England and Leeds 0-4 Wigan. But David Wallace looks in a worrying amount of pain after a tackle from Tuilagi.3pm David Wallace has been stretchered off; it looks like a knee problem and first impressions are that he will probably be out of the World Cup. O'Gara has made it Ireland 6-10 England, while a try from Jeff Lima has put Wigan 10-0 ahead of Leeds at Wembley.3.04pm Another try for Wigan, this time a glorious run from Joel Tomkins.3.05pm "Only three 3pm games on a Saturday!?" says John Reid. "An outrage. Yet another example of why STOP FOOTBALL has to succeed. Although if it was up to the Premier League, all games would kick off at 8pm on a Saturday night – you know, for prime-time viewing." It won't be long before there are no 3pm games on a Saturday. It's soul-crushing.3.07pm Jose Bosingwa has made it Chelsea 1-0 Norwich. Pat Richards has converted to make it Leeds 0-16 Wigan. Jonny Wilkinson has scored a penalty to make it Ireland 6-13 England. All three happened almost simultaneously. My eyes were whirring at the three different screens like a demented Zanussi.3.08pm "I would think scented gold hotpants would be the price to pay for a player to exceed the salary cap," says Holly Masturzo. "Would have to wear them both on and off the pitch. I'm afraid to imagine what scent though."3.11pm Apologies for not updating these last 90 seconds. I had to run to the loo. You didn't miss much. Thankfully, Pele didn't take this moment to gun down Diego Maradona; nor, more dramatic still, did Oldham take the lead at Colchester.3.13pm Ryan Hall has scored a try for Leeds. I don't even know how many points you get for a try in rugby league but they should flash the score up on the BBC soon. For now it's Leeds Whateveryougetforatry-16 Wigan.3.15pm It's Leeds 4-16 Wigan, as I said earlier.3.16pm Leeds are right back in the Challenge Cup final thanks to an excellent try from Ben Jones-Bishop. Kevin Sinfield has a very tricky conversion from wide on the right... but he nails it quite brilliantly. What a kick, and now it's Leeds 10-16 Wigan. I have no idea what's going on but I'm getting excited about it.3.18pm "I've given it some thought and I've decided I want rid of Sunderland," says Ethan Dean-Richards. "I can't say exactly how it'll improve football, but I'd say it's worth a shot."3.20pm The latest Premier League scores:Blackburn 0-0 EvertonChelsea 1-0 NorwichSwansea 0-0 Sunderland3.21pm There's a fight in the Challenge Cup final. Brilliant. This is sport, sod all that R.E.S.P.E.C.T. nonsense.3.22pm Ireland have scored a penalty, or a drop goal. Something worth three points that isn't drink-driving. It's Ireland 9-13 England, and it's half time in the rugby league: Leeds 10-16 Wigan.3.23pm "Are you in fact a strapped like a monkey to a gurney while watching those screens with probes attached to you to let you know when Gary Naylor has emailed?" says Ian Copestake. "28 Weeks Later and you will be in a rage." Laugh it up.3.24pm "Hope you're well this afternoon," deadpans Clare Small. "Just wondering if you've any idea why Jack Rodwell isn't playing today....it's making a hole in my fantasy football team?" He's making a moral objection to the state football's in, by sitting in his dressing gown on his porch from 3pm to 4.45pm, weeping. Either that or he picked up an injury against Sheffield United in the week.3.27pm It's half time in the rugby union, Ireland 9-13 England. Who needs teletext?3.28pm Phil Thompson is getting very excited about the match at Stamford Bridge. I think Norwich may have entered Chelsea's half. Actually, early impressions are that, of the three promoted sides, Norwich might be the likeliest to stay up. Paul Lambert has clearly Got It.3.31pm "The hot pants will naturally take on the scent of money, mixed with the aroma of over-######ed 'sportsman'," sniffs Carey Smith. "To compensate the risk of this actually increasing their allure to impressionable young women I think they should also be forced to wear Wham T-shirts and espadrilles. I'm not bitter. Just because. OK."3.35pm A very peculiar incident <a href="http://www.salehandbagsbags.com"><strong>dior handbags</strong></a> at Ewood Park, with David Dunn and Morten Gamst Pedersen both pulling a hamstring in the same attack. They have hobbled off to be replaced by Mauro Formica and Radosav Petrovic.3.37pm The second half of the rugby league has begun. Wigan lead Leeds 16-10, but the force is with Leeds after a superb comeback from 16-0 down.3.40pm "If you guys think it is bad losing 3pm games, think about Brazil, where I live," says Simon Robinson. "They have to wait for all the soap operas to finish on a Wednesday night, so the games kick off at 10pm! The TV networks ensure that the women watch the soap operas and then the footie fans can only then settle down for the games. Wednesday is the big football night in Brazil, with fewer games at the weekend." That's shocking. When did integrity become such an alien concept?3.41pm The rugby union has also resumed. Ireland 9-13 England.3.42pm Lee Cattermole has apparently been elbowed in the face at Swansea. Insert your own joke here.3.45pm "Improve football?" says Graham Randall. "Play every game on a waterlogged pitch." This is a big thing in the Messi v Maradona debate, the fact that Maradonad played on diabolical pitches.3.50pm Delon Armitage has scored for England after a crafty kick from Mike Tindall. So it's Ireland 9-18 England. England are actually down to 14 men at the moment, with Chris Ashton in the sin-bin.3.48pm A glorious conversion from Wilkinson, wide on the left, makes it Ireland 9-20 England.3.50pm It's half time in the three Premier League games:Blackburn 0-0 EvertonChelsea 1-0 NorwichSwansea 0-0 Sunderland4.01pm A try from Leeds pulled it back to 16-14, but now a converted try from Jeff Lima has put Wigan 22-14 in front. It's a controversial try, which almost certainly involved a forward pass. You'll be hearing about that again, and possibly from somebody who knows what they're talking about.4.04pm The Everton keeper Tim Howard has saved a penalty from Junior Hoilett at Blackburn. It was a dodgy penalty, with Mauro Formica apparently dragging his foot into that of Ross Barkley before falling over.4.05pm All of a sudden it is pelting down in Dublin, where England lead 20-9 after 62 minutes.4.06pm "Carlsberg don't make Dull Premiership Saturday Afternoons," says Adam Hirst, "but if they did, this would be it."4.10pm Leeds are running out of time at Wembley. There are nine minutes remaining, and they trail 22-14 against Wigan.4.12pm Ryan Hall has scored for Leeds, a lovely try in the corner. I know the square root of bugger all about rugby league, but even I know that this has been a fantastic Challenge Cup final. It's Leeds 18-22 Wigan, with the conversion to come, albeit a disgustingly difficult one.4.13pm Kevin Sinfield is just wide with his conversion attempt, so it stays 22-18. "Leeds are within squeaky-bum distance again," says the BBC commentator. No, me either.4.14pm "Your lack of info on the live text updates is unbelievable..." says a nameless reader. "You're ridiculous." It's the right answer but let's hear your working."And you're doing soccer updates, not sports updates. It's really irritating and I say this as a rugby fan too. Check out BBC to see how it should be done."4.18pm Three minutes to go at Wembley. Both teams are utterly spent.4.21pm Norwich have equalised at Stamford Bridge – and deservedly so too. Grant Holt scored the goal, although I didn't hear what happened as I was watching a possible try for Wigan at Wembley. It's gone to the video referee. I don't know if this will be given. But if it is, Wigan will have won the Challenge Cup.4.22pm The try is given! There's a mighty roar around Wembley. Pat Richards confirms the victory by making it 28-18 to Wigan. At Stamford Bridge, meanwhile, Didier Drogba is being stretchered off after what sounds like a very nasty injury.4.25pm "Ouch!" says Jonny Mac. "Don't know if you saw that but Drogba collided with the Norwich keeper and was unconscious when he hit the floor with a right wallop. Being stretchered off, here's hoping he's OK."4.26pm It's all over at Wembley. Wigan have beaten Leeds 28-18 in a classic match, and now a brawl is threatening to break out between the two sides.4.28pm "Please sir, spare all of your American readers from the dross of cricket updates," says Scott Stricker. "It's killing my Saturday." The last cricket update was two hours ago.4.28pm England have won in Ireland for the first time since 2003, a comfortable 20-9 victory. Martin Johnson clenches his fist while swigging from a bottle of water, a new variation on an old theme.4.30pm Norwich have just missed a great chance to talk the lead at Chelsea. It sounds like they have been the better side today. It's not a 104th-minute winner from Fernando Torres all over it.4.33pm "Despite that goal for Norwich, I stand by my belief that Grant Holt has all the guile, grace and agility of a pirouetting hippo," says David McCulloch. "On the other hand, I could see that a hippo could be <a href="http://www.salehandbagsbags.com"><strong>Burberry handbags</strong></a> pretty hard to mark at corners. Perhaps therein lies his secret."4.34pm Juan Mata, on for his Chelsea debut, has just made a chance for Torres, whose header was straight at John Ruddy.4.35pm These are the latest Premier League scores:Blackburn 0-0 EvertonChelsea 1-1 NorwichSwansea 0-0 Sunderland4.37pm "I really hope all the Premier League teams with the most wealthy/profligate owners win today," says Neill Brown. "That'd be great. Such a romantic thought; I might just watch 'Sleepless in Seattle' on split-screen with Chelsea v Norwich, then vomit myself into a coma."4.38pm Chelsea have a penalty at Stamford Bridge. Ramires was taken down by the goalkeeper John Ruddy, who has been sent off.4.39pm: GOAL! Chelsea 2-1 Norwich (Lampard 82pen) Frank Lampard scores from the spot, as he usually does, and for the second week in a row Chelsea have won the match in the last 10 minutes.4.41pm: BLACKBURN MISS ANOTHER PENALTY! This is absurd. Mauro Formica slaps a penalty against the post, and that means six out of eight penalties in the Premier League this season have been missed or saved.4.44pm "Yeah Rob, sort it out," says Steve Betteley. "I – clearly like that nameless reader – have a version of the internet that can see this page and this page only and these updates on Things That Aren't English Premiership Football Only are not what I'm looking for. Who do I talk to about a refund?"4.45pm It's hard to know what to make of these three games really. Perversely, the only losers are probably the biggest victors: Norwich have played so well at Stamford Bridge that they will have real hope for the rest of the season.4.48pm Everton have a penalty, the third of the match at Ewood Park, with Cherno Samba penalised for heading the ball. "Never a penalty in a million planets," says Alan McInally.4.50pm. GOAL! Blackburn 0-1 Everton (Arteta 90 pen) Mikel Arteta scores from the spot. Cue "Blackburn pay the penalty" headlines up and down the land.4.51pm It has finished at Ewood Park, with Everton somehow beating Blackburn 1-0. Blackburn have had a shocking day: they missed two penalties and lost Morten Gamst Pedersen and David Dunn with hamstring injuries. I thought all the pre-season doom about Blackburn was over the top; not for the last time, I was wrong. They have a serious job on this season.4.53pm There are 11 minutes of added time at Stamford Bridge after Didier Drogba was knocked unconscious earlier in the second half. It has finished Swansea 0-0 Sunderland at the Liberty Stadium. Both teams will be fairly happy with that.4.57pm: GOAL! Chelsea 3-1 Norwich (Mata 90) Juan Mata scores a fine debut goal, curling into the corner to seal the points for Chelsea.5pm It has finished Chelsea 3-1 Norwich at Stamford Bridge. That's it for the day. Thanks for your emails. Night.