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136405 2007 年 03 月 11 日 22:38 Reading (loading. ..) Comments (2) classification :...... Badasses. You've seen them on TV, you've seen them in prison, hell you've probably been mugged by one. Do you long to be a badass? Long no further, sissy boy.
Firstly , to be a badass you must think like a badass. You may see a pair of scissors, but to a badass, it's a for many household objects. A kettle? Used for boiling water for your morning tea? Nope, that's a used for breaking ribs. You get the idea.
Next,
new new balance shoes, you must start your day like a badass. How do you start your day? I bet it's something like ...
Wake up.
Eat some cheerios.
Feed your cat.
Brush your hair.
Go outside and wait for the bus.
Catch the bus, pay you * ** re and sit down quietly.
Right? If so,
new balance outlet, then you,
× .80 after us, still single., my friend, are not a badass. Here's how Chuck Norris does it.
Wake up hungover.
Eat some gunpowder.
Feed your albatross. (albatrosses are badass,
See also Jay!, don't ask why)
Brush the dry blood out of your hair.
Go outside and commandeer a bus.
Drive that sucker to the nearest cemetery and run down some mourning widows.
Try to do that in the morning,
new balance shoes, if possible. I know albatrosses are hard to come across,
Residential Series - full of architectural taste o, and gunpowder doesn't taste nice, but man, stop being such a sissy.
Next you have to beat some people up. If you don't beat people up for no reason whatsoever then people won't think you're a badass. Go outside and punch the first person you find, then you say ; OI, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING FAGGOT, YOU GOT IN THE WAY OF MY FIST , commandeer the nearest steamroller and crush them. True badass style.
Here's a list of people who deserve to be beaten up.
Hippies
Vegetarians
The aged
Wil Wheaton (what a little * * * *)
Jehovas witnesses
Jehova himself
Also, you have to break the law. Here's a scene from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark that illustrates my point beautifully:
Waitress: Welcome to the Lost Ark cafe, may I take your order?
IJ: Yeah, I'll have a bucket of gunpowder.
Waitress: And to drink?
IJ: Five gallons of kerosene.
Waitress: (leaves and comes back)
Waitress: We're out of gunpowder, sir.
IJ: (gives the ***** a black eye) * * * * *, YOU BETTER GO BACK THERE AND BREAK UP SOME SHOTGUN SHELLS. IF I DON'T GET MY GUNPOWDER, I'LL TORCH THIS PLACE .
Waitress: (cowers and crawls away)
Manager: (comes to the table) Sir,
new balance 574, I'm going to have to ask you to ...
IJ: (grabs manager, breaks him in half over his knee and looks at the waitress) I'm getting tired of this place, have you got my gunpowder?
Waitress: I'm sorry sir, we don't have any. I got your kerosene though.
IJ: (downs the kerosene in one, undoes zipper and pisses all over the waitress's face)
Waitress: Oh gross!
IJ: (pulls out lighter, ignites kerosine-laden urine and laughs as the waitress goes up in flames)
See, he knows that arson is illegal, but does he care? Hell no, he's a badass. Signs on walls can give you pointers on what to do,
new balance sneakers, here are some examples.
Nexy lesson, avenge things. Badasses always avenge things, be it thei * ** ther's death, or the loss of a sandwich, they will avenge it. Here's something that happened to my friend
DD: (bumps into some guy and spills his pint everywhere)
Guy: Sorry mate, let me buy you another one.
DD: (look of pure malice)
Guy: Hey,
new balance running shoes, don't worry about it man, I said I'll buy you another one.
DD: Are you going to buy me a new shirt too?
Guy: No, now you're just being ridiculous.
DD: Don't worry about it, no harm done. (turns around and goes back to his seat)
Right now you're probably thinking
DD: (taps guy on the shoulder) Excuse me.
Guy: Yeah? Oh hey, I remember you from the bar.
DD: Wanna hear a joke?
Guy: Sure.
DD: What did the glass bottle say to the face?
Guy: I don't know, what?
DD: SMASH! * proceeds to bottle the sissy *
Guy: Oh Jesus Christ! I think I'm dying!
DD: Don't worry, I'll buy you a new bottle.
See how skillfully Dave avenged his pint? Pure brilliance.
Well that's pretty much the basics of being a badass. There's still much more to learn though, like ninjitsu and piracy.
Did you like my guide? Good, because I don't like you, you sissy.