I have a client, let's call her Kathy, who was in a post holiday funk. For her, nothing seemed to being going right. She was annoyed at her boss and co-workers. She was nagging her boyfriend over little things. She just didn't feel good. 2009 was not starting out with a bang for her. Uppermost on her mind was the new expense policy at work that resulted in her having to pay her own mileage to and from client visits. She works for a large international company. This extra gas expense became a huge issue for her. She did not like the new policy,
karen millen evening dresses, she did not like the way the policy was presented, and she did not like that because of the varying state tax laws some people within her group didn't take as big a financial hit as a result of the new policy as she did.
Kathy felt like she was being taken advantage of, being lied to (as it wasn't widely known that some people fared better than others with the new policy) and she felt like she worked for a company that didn't care about it's people. She felt like a victim with the new policy. And as a victim she looked at other areas in her life where she was being 'victimized'. The boyfriend left crumbs on the table for her to clean up, she gained 5 pounds with all the holiday parties when she was trying to lose weight, the banks had a new credit card policy that limited her credit line, and so on. She found evidence where she was being taken advantage of everywhere!
Needless to say, Kathy was not in a good place when we started our call.
Oh, and by the way she gained 5 pounds and lost 8! Oh, and by the way, she was given an award for being the "Employee of the Quarter" for that value she delivered by conceiving and implementing a new marketing strategy that was delivering great results.
Say what!?
She didn't see that she was nearing her weight loss goal with the loss of 3 pounds overall. Winning the award was told to me as a bit of an afterthought - and without any enthusiasm.
What was going on here?
A little background...
Kathy originally came to me because she recognized that she was 'negative all the time'. And she seemed to be stuck. Stuck in her work. Stuck in her relationship. Stuck in her life. She felt like something was wrong and didn't know what it was. Kathy had a pattern of constantly finding fault with herself and everything around her. This way of being was rooted in her belief that she simply wasn't good enough. She never got much praise as a kid and when her father died, her 'wicked step-mother' got the big house. So it was from this place of not being good enough that she approached everything in her life. Her experiences were viewed through the lens of "I'm not good enough."
After some discussion Kathy realized that while her Father never praised her much, he did provide very well for her as a child and as an adult and he was always around when she needed him. Kathy was able to recall lots of times she had good experiences with her father - experiences she hadn't thought about in years. Her Father showed his love and admiration for his daughter through providing well for her and 'being there'. He simply did not know how to verbalize how he felt.
Truth is, Kathy didn't know how to praise herself or verbalize praise for others. She only knew how to complain and criticize. And she was good at it! She was especially good at finding fault with herself. When she beat up on herself she felt so badly that the only way to feel any better was to find fault with others. And she was good at that! That was Kathy's pattern. She would find something that she didn't excel at, beat herself up over her shortcomings and then find more shortcomings in her life experiences including work and relationships. Finding shortcomings in work and others resulted in bad experiences with work and others. It was a vicious cycle.
Through our work together, Kathy began to realize that she actually did a lot of things well. She just never focused on what she did right before, her focus was always on what she did wrong. With this new awareness Kathy began to do more things right at work and her relationship with her boyfriend improved. She was doing so many things well that she had an inspiration to create this marvelous new cost-effective marketing campaign for her company that was successful right from the start. The company was so appreciative of her work and wanted to acknowledge her value to them by giving her the award and publicly recognizing her achievement.
Well, this was too much for Kathy's Inner Critic. He was not used to being valued. Not used to receiving acknowledgement. This would change her poor Inner Critic's foundational belief that "I'm not good enough." Mustn't allow that to happen! Oh, no! Must find things to complain about! Must find evidence of being taken advantage of! Must find things that were done wrong! Must crawl back into the old tired comfort zone of "I'm not good enough"! And the roller coaster ride began reeling its way down and around and down again into old familiar unwanted behavior patterns. Kathy would not even allow herself to feel rewarded, valued and acknowledged for more than a few minutes until she 'Found Excuses And Reasons - F.E.A.R.' to crawl back into her negative ways.
This "roller coaster riding" happens. And it will continue to happen the more you continue to stretch into newer and bigger comfort zones. The Inner Wizard part of you guides you to newer and better experiences that scare the living daylights out of your Inner Critic. So, the Inner Critic reacts and tries to pull you back to where it's safe. Hence, the roller coaster ride.
That's ok. The good news is that once you recognize that you're starting to roller coaster you can return the power that you temporarily gave to your Inner Critic back to it's rightful owner, your Inner Wizard. Your Inner Wizard will remind you that you're starting to crawl back into former lesser comfort zones. You will know to stop and take a breath. You will ask yourself what you are having your current circumstance mean. You will recognize that the meaning is an old belief that no longer serves you. Instead of looking for more evidence to support the old belief (I'm not good enough) you will find evidence to support the new belief (I am good enough). And you will pull yourself out of the funk and into feeling good again. And back on track to turning your dreams into reality!
Stuck in a Funk Empower Your Inner Wizard to Dig
Qingwen
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