Tiffany but what if I do not reach her

I maintain this blog managing and recording things about my existence, but largely for the touchy component of my daily life. I always hold them in a modest book, which consists of issues I don’t really have the guts to share openly.

However recently I feel that I am ready to release some true feelings of myself, by releasing one of the posts I wrote, and also the longest. That describes myself, how I see relationship, and about the girl that I actually love, and miss. I never admit that I like this girl, until I realize she is not there, and when I read the 14 pages I wrote because of this girl. Yes, I am an idiot, and I cannot believe I was being so selfish to be the “ideal” person that I think I always want.



1st June 2010

There is something I wanted to write, to talk about. Sadly, the subject that contradict with who I am, who I think I should be. Or it is something that I rarely talk about, which will surprise people or confuse people of who am I.

Sometimes I wonder why I am not to be together with someone. I consider myself not being too bad as a person, physically or mentally. I do notice that there are some people who are interested in me, starring and quickly turn away pretending they did not when I notice. I always pretend not to notice because I don’t want to embarrasse them or after all, I am not interested at the person at the first place. If they talk nicely to me, I will usually chat with them, but I just don’t really click on them.

And I do not consider myself shy. I once thought I was, so I actually just randomly ask two strange girls to go out. Yes I failed, kind of stupid, and yet cocky, but the whole thing is not to get into anything, but rather to test if I am shy. And thus it turns out I ain’t shy at all, which I wonder if that’s a good or bad news after knowing what lifestyle I was having.

Perhaps people find me hard to approach; mostly I assume it is because I have that stubborn, determined and confident face. I understand, I am born like that and I cannot really change that look on me. Even my friends feel it. Once people interact with me, they can sense that I am not exactly what they expect me to be. And I only get that face hard on me when I am at my 2009 final year and 2010 Honours. To me, it is hard to believe people can be cheerful and happy while doing that program.



All I can say is I have my study as my burden (in 2010), or an excuse within a way. “If you want to go and get someone, you should just go for it.”

Yes, I would love to do so, and I have guts to do so as I have proved myself. But in the other hand, I do not want to ruin thing, my academic, or the consequence with that person which I do not think I could bear. Perhaps, I am just too scared to talk to someone I truly like.

In my past asking out experience, I find love is difficult. If I really like one of these 2 girls, it is extremely hard to let the other person to trust me. Although I know I can work it out through time. However even it is not the case, there are still other concerns, stuck on someone else, existence troubles, academic, family influence, and so many other items. While all these matters exist, it is still a mission to meet those trouble people, not to mention to meet that right one. The world is so big,Pandora Jewellery Rings, there are so many perfect fits, but how can I guarantee I will meet someone.

My love… is a mental torture. When I have this crush on this girl, I got scared. Scared that the person not feeling the same, scared not to see the person before I express myself, scared that my emotion will scare her.

I realize when I like someone, it is not like those random ask out that I can just go for it. Because love makes me feel the fear, fear about the consequence, fear of the love, and other existence issues. I can approach her, but what if I do not reach her, I will not see her again, she is not just any random people I can just risk about. And if I fall in love,Tiffany, can I handle with my life and duty.

Yes,Pandora Jewellery Rings, I do have a crush lately, or a crush that I only realize now, it is almost 10 years since I love someone. I had some minor crushes but never seriously impact my day to day existence.

This girl, I remember I first met her in my summer holiday term for ECO 2. I only felt that she is an extremely nice girl at the time. And when I got to 2nd 3rd year, when I see this girl, I constantly tell my best friend Paul: See this girl there, she is the cutest girl I have ever met on campus. (Even Paul does not hold that in mind) But yes, she really is cute. I never really complement randomly, guess it is my standard. But when I do, I really do mean it. But at the time, I only think she is just quite cute.

But then I notice myself I often remember every time I see this girl. 1st time in summer school, other time on jimmie, she sat on the stairs talking to someone, wearing a pink dress. Other few times in 3rd year I met her studying extremely late, while I was having ################ accounting study time. She was using a Mac e-book on 1st floor and I was at -1. A random day at -1 floor, she wears this minor white T shirt. Other day she wears a grey jersey. Honours year open days she wears green hoody and doing work on campus, and I was help other sport, I was so glad she is in UCT in 2010. Other time, I saw her showing direction to someone in the library. Saw her at the -1 floor with a pretty dress. Saw her at the library printing, I remember it was a rainy day I got so wet and I also met her in the subway, while we noticed each other. Saw her parking outside her house on a KIA car. Saw her twice when I get into lib and she got out.

I start noticing I remember all these moments and I am trying to get away from potential developing anything that I am scared to face. I remembered one day I wear this super unfriendly levis jean jacket just t give me courage that I am not up for anything, then I saw her again and I know I cannot forget about her.

Then, another time she is outside LS chatting. One time I was walking towards Lib and I was musing and once I turn back my sight and she walked pass and pretended not noticing me even I know she did. Another time at night, rugby field, I saw a girl with extremely nice long hair in front of me. While I was so obsessed with this girl,Tiffany, I think the girl in front of me was nice, but never better than the girl I want. But then I was surprised she turned her head, and saw me, then she turned again, she realized it was me, then she never turned her hear again and kept walking straight. I was so stupidly happy that I saw her, with her nice brown long hair.

I believe it is that we both share a bit of shyness, and that is exactly why I have such attraction to her on her cute shyness, and sadly, I guess it is also this kind of minor shyness that keep us apart.

SAT studying downstairs, I was studying at the corner. Then she came right next to me, she was wearing a lot of cloths on the day, guess she felt quite cold. And then when she took off her cloths and put it on the chair. She noticed me sitting right next to her. But then she was like “OMG, he is here, right here”, even she acted calm, I then looked at her, and she is kind of nervous, showing all over on her face. I am kind of happy, and yes, her cuteness is what gets me so bad.

I remembered I was studying and I knew it is not at all effective. But I just want to stay there, I knew she was starring,Tiffany Engagement Rings, and I did not want to interfere her starring. Once I turned and looked at her, she turned away and look down reading the book. And I noticed she was so shy that she was brushing her hair ALL THE TIME. I had a smile and think the girl is soooooooooo cute!!!! Since it was so late like 11 pm, I asked if she parked close that she can drop me to my car. But sadly she did not drive on the day, and I had no excuse to quickly twist that. But yes, I had some effort on the day. Kind of creepy if I make more excuses.

But after those times, I never had another chance to talk to her, I have not seen her for a few weeks, and as I progress in 2010, the work went crazy. Most of the time,Pandora Bracelet, I met her in Lib, and guess what, everytime I am there I am there for business doing this crazy PGDA accounting.

So I asked: WHY? Why does it has to be this time? I remember after that, I had to write supp exam, and I saw her twice, once I was really need to pass that, then the other time is the day right before the exam. And the last day, was the day, I was flying to HK the next couple of days, I did not even have a chance to have a glance.

Just the past 2 months, I went back to her house at night, finally make up my mind and excuse, hoping to see her after I am now functioning. I rang the bell, old man and a guy came out, I said I want to say thank you to a girl used to live here. She found my car key. (That was not the case, but now I think of it, it was really related to her anyways, I was finding everywhere on that SAT, until I found it in my pocket)

The tall guy said I may referring to his sister, and she is now in Johannesburg. And as a good lie teller, I cannot pursue any more information but just tell him say thanks for me.

So she is in Johannesburg, I should have start working in JHB, even there is a 0.1% seeing her. I guess she also finished varsity. I felt relief first after I know how she has been, even I don’t know what she is there for. Then I felt sad I don’t think I may she her again.

I just do not think I am crazy enough to hit that door again, and tell them I have a real crush on your daughter/ sister. Please contact her for me! I… this is absurd even for me.

Why at this time? Why I feel like I meet the right person, at the worst time. I just feel right on this girl, and I guess she likes me, may be a bit. I think she may also have felt a bit disappointed not to at least know me, and I regretted gravely. If I see this girl again, I will never let go.

I know I do not love people easily, and this is why I feel bad when I miss. Even now I still have her in my mind when my brain is empty.

I think it is true that the unfulfilled love is usually the most romantic.

Damn, I miss you…



Yes, this is how stupid I am, on my action, and as a whole being a guy. This is what I want to share, the stupid “me”, the true “me”.